Forgiving will never mean forgetting.

My childhood memories. For some reason I've been thinking about this alot lately - & I've come to realize that I have not forgiven my parents for my horrendous upbringing. I think down deep in my heart I have forgiven my dad, even after all he has put me through since I was a young child. My dad has been an alcoholic for many years & even though that is no justification, it is a disease. My dad loves me & I know that. I have not forgiven my mother, though, & I don't know if I ever will. I don't know if I ever can.

I have a very, very selective memory when it comes to my childhood. I'm not sure if it's because my memory is not all that keen anymore, or if it's because I have subconsciously chosen to block it out. Quite honestly I believe it's the latter of the two.

I look at the things I do with my children & I attempt to "go back" when I was their age.

I never remember halloween/trick or treating.

I never remember being read books by my parents.

I never remember baking cookies with my mother.

I never remember being asked if I did my homework.

I never remember playing at a park or taking long walks with my parents.

I never remember anyone sitting me down & saying "Follow your dreams. You can be anything you want to be & you can do anything you put your mind to."

I never remember being hugged by my mother.

I never remember going to a movie with my parents.

What I do remember is my mother not removing me & my siblings out of a horrible home atmosphere. Her parents lived in another state, but financially they were well off & I know they would have helped her/us.

What I do remember is being allowed to car date at age 13. To this day I am appalled & disgusted about that.

What I do remember is a living hell with my father. Every day I stepped out of bed, he would look at me & cruely call me a "queen". "There's the queen. You just think you're something, don't you?" Every single day.

What I do remember is being completely terrified of my father.

What I do remember is being called a "slut" by my father. I think I was 13, maybe? I remember him chasing me around the house trying to catch me. He had a broken leg prior, so he was chasing me with his cain. I think he was going to beat the crap out of me with that cain. I remember I made it safely upstairs to my bedroom; he then grabbed my princess phone, yanked it out of the wall, threw it at me & actually hit me with it. I remember my arm bleeding. I still have the scar. I remember my mother screaming at him to stop chasing me. I did nothing to provoke any of that. Neither of my brothers were home at the time. I still wonder, to this day, what would have happened if they had been home.

What I do remember is hating my mother from the age of 5. I couldn't stand the sight of her at 5 years old. That recollection is very vivid.

What I do remember is being drug to bars, happy hours, etc. drinking "Shirley Temples" while my father intoxicated himself. I was young...9 or 10 maybe...I used to cry & beg to go home. That memory is also very vivid.

What I do remember is commending my mother for being so tough when she had so little. I do give her credit for that. She had no family local & I do honestly believe she did the best she could/knew how. Until we were finally kicked out of our home, she worked a job (or two, I believe) trying to make some money since my dad took her money away. He had 5 cars at the time, & she was not allowed to drive any. Her parents finally gave her their car & because it was from up north, it had no air conditioning. Her evilness & abuse didn't start until myself & my brothers got older. And it still continues to this day.

Let me say - I, at this point in my life, am completely happy with where I am today. My life is incredible. My life is amazing. I am so incredibly blessed. My children mean everything to me & I am so blessed that God chose me to be their mother. For the first time in my life, I am so happy & so fulfilled. I have complete peace with my life & have had for several years now. I have reached the light at the end of the tunnel. :)

That said, between there & now my journey was awful. I was one screwed up girl & I didn't even know it. I had a great job, I was a very hard worker, I made great money & I was completely self sufficient. But I look back now & I read a different story. I didn't do drugs & I didn't drink (only socially) - but so much was missing from my life. I went through guy after guy after guy & now that I look back, they all resembled my father. I've always heard that girls tend to do that - pick guys who resembled their dads - I guess it's true. I married the first time at a very young age, only to divorce & marry three more times. When I finally made the decision to leave my last husband, I remember well he was pinning me down holding a knife one inch from my face. I remember laying there thinking "oh dear Lord, please don't let his hand slip". I used to be the manager of apartments & I lived on site. I remember my residents calling me, the manager, to complain about some guy beating the crap out of their wife. They were calling me about me! I was the one being abused! I will never, ever forget that. And no, I never confessed that to my residents. I've recently realized that I blame my parents for my actions & bad choices when I was in my 20's. That & the fact that I was not a Christian then.

I remember never wanting to be a mother. If anyone would ask me "do you plan on having children?" my curt response was "no!" I think that is because of the relationship I had - or didn't have - with my mother. Now that I have children, I can't even begin to imagine not having them in my life. They are nothing but pure, pure joy. I cannot imagine not protecting them. I cannot imagine not prompting them to follow their dreams. I can't imagine not saying to them "go! you can do it!" no matter what "it" may be. I can't imagine not encouraging every single step of their life. I can't imagine not wanting only the best for them. And I can't imagine them not loving me. I adore them. I treasure them. I cherish them. I am so completely in love with them. I am completely honored to be their mother. Never in my life will I take my three little blessings for granted. I think my children are just another reason my childhood is still so shocking to me.

I don't know why I sat down & typed all this out. Lord knows I could write a book - I've only mentioned a few of my life experiences. I'm not looking for a pity party. I'm not looking for sympathy. Good heavens those things happened years ago & the past is...the past. I do wish my childhood, & my 20's, would have started out differently, but then again, no I don't. Had I taken a different path, there's a good chance I wouldn't have the perfect life I have today. And for that alone, I am eternally grateful for all the heartaches I had to suffer through.

I pray my children don't ever experience any of what I did. I hope to guide them & help them any way I can, no matter how young or how old they are. I hope to always listen & be there for them. That's what I want to do! That is my heart's desire. I want to be their friend. But I do know it's more important to be their parent. I pray I can balance the two.

I look at my children & they melt my heart. It amazes me to see me in them. It brings a smile to my face (& a good laugh) when Bentley says "you're gonna kill someone with those nails!" That is so me. I cracked up last night when Audi mumbled to hubby "oh for cryin' out loud" under his breath. That is so me. Or when Audi got angry with me at the grocery store & I was trying to make him laugh. He said "quit it. I'm not in the mood." That is so me. It's amazing to me how children can change the way you live & look at life.

I will do everything in my power to protect them. Children should never, ever have to live a childhood that I endured. Funny - when I was feeding Audi & Jaguar lunch today, there was a story on the news regarding depression. Now in no way am I depressed. But many people are. The doctor who was doing the segment made the comment "adults who had a negative childhood experience need to understand it affects them for decades." Oh yes it does. Isn't it a shame that those of us who lived a dreadful childhood have to suffer with it for the rest of our lives? That's why I continue to tell myself that if I haven't forgiven yet, it's ok. The day will come. For now I just tell myself that forgiving will never mean forgetting. :)