Another specialist.

Today is a hard mommy day. Today my heart is hurting for my baby. I'm sitting here crying because I made the wrong choice. I made a terrible, wrong choice.

Today was Mercedes' 4 month check up. Her appointment was at 8:45 a.m. I should have known better than to take her that early because I literally dressed her, fed her her milk & then tossed her in the car. Her little system didn't have time to settle. As you know, she has severe reflux.

At the ped's office her vomiting intensified. I took 5 burp cloths & she saturated all five, & they had to give me a new one so I'd have another. Mercedes covered herself, me & the floor. Several times. I am not kidding you when I tell you Dr. K (a blessing from heaven :) stood there with her mouth open. She was speechless at what she was witnessing.

At that time I confessed that Mercedes spits up/throws up 10 - 17 times almost every feeding. And it's not a small amount. It's massive. We use 20 burp cloths per day. Sometimes more. I confessed that it's hard for me to keep clothes on her, our carpet is covered in towels so it won't stain, I change clothes numerous times, blah, blah, blah. I felt so guilty I felt as if I was confessing a sin. (break here to regain my composure)

A few months ago they gave me the name of a GI Specialist & said if need be, to make an appointment. Before Mercedes was released from the hospital, she had an upper GI. That is when they discovered she does have reflux & they put her on medication(s). She is still on that medication(s). She receives it 6 times daily. Honestly, I refrained from making an appointment because I just didn't want to see my baby have to go through more testing (is that selfish? Or over protective? Both?). She's been through so much. And I know she has reflux. It's been confirmed by the hospital. That comforted me. But that comfort & the false hope of "oh she's getting better!" & having a few good feedings with little to no spit up resulted in me making the wrong choice. Today I was told I must make the appointment I have so long dreaded. Dr. K's words were "Melissa, that is not normal spit up." I nodded. I know. I know. (regaining composure again)

I told K I didn't take her because a.) we know what the issue is & b.) what more can they do? To which she informed me that Mercedes could very well have esophagus damage. She said it certainly was not definite, but it did need to be checked out. She also said they do have different meds they can try, etc., etc.

The good news is that she now weighs 16 lbs. She is now in the 90 - 95% for weight (& 50 - 75% for height at 24 3/4") - Dr. K was completely shocked by those numbers. Mercedes is drinking pretty much 32 oz. daily, but Dr. K said she wouldn't be surprised if Mercedes was actually drinking only about 20 oz. daily considering the amount of she is vomiting (I don't necessarily agree with that because sometimes we do have less severe spit ups). Other than that my baby is growing & thriving & blossoming. :)

For now we up'ed the dosage of her meds until I can get her into the specialist. I hope & pray this will make a drastic improvement. It's extremely difficult to keep her on the right dosages because her weight is constantly changing. But what if we get to the specialist & they find damage to her esophagus? Or something else? How will I live with myself knowing I could & should have taken her in sooner? What if I could have helped her or they could have helped her & she's been suffering this long? It's almost more than I can think about. How could I be so darn stupid?

Dr. K is so wonderful & she told me not to worry about it. She was so sweet & said I'm a great mom (golf claps). She told me this is exactly why we go in for baby well visits. For stuff such as this. She didn't reprimand me & tell me I screwed up, she just said go now & don't worry. I am so blessed to have found such an amazing, supportive pediatrician. I had to go through 4 to find her & it was worth the hassle. I told hubby if she ever moves (locations), we move too. :)

So now I schedule another appointment & I prepare to learn Cook Children's Hospital even better. In the mean time we keep goin' with the flow & pray all is ok. I feel so much better that I typed this out. Maybe I can rest easy now. :)

I have to say they did make me smile - Laura (the office manager whom I just love) asked me if I have received my counseling yet - she knows I'll need counseling to cope with the fact there will be no more babies for me. To which I smiled & sighed & said "not yet!" I mean, look at my Mercedes. Her journey is so different than my other children's. I feel like God sent her so we could rescue her. How could I/we not do it again? Hubby would reply "easy". lol :)

Happy Friday! :)