Truly, how does one cope?

The ironic thing about my dad's alcoholism is that as the years go by, this nightmare gets more difficult. And to me, that makes no sense. One would think it would get easier.

If you recall, in March I found my dad the most perfect place to call home, after he had been homeless for close to a week. He had been living out of his car, sleeping nights in the hospital parking lot for safety (I actually thought that was pretty brilliant) & basically spending his days in the Wal-Mart parking lot watching the passerbyers. (Gulp) Then as night fell, the routine started all over again as he headed towards the hospital.

It was at that point that our hearts could no longer take the pain of visualizing our father homeless & we once again came to his rescue. Because that's what children do. Right or wrong, good or bad, we love our dad & did what we felt best. With one understanding this time. No drinking. None. And low & behold, our dad agreed.

His desire was to live in a small, quaint town, that had some rolling hills (as rolling as Texas can get ;o), pretty scenery & out in the country. I had been on the internet searching for rentals. I happened to phone an ad regarding a travel trailer for rent - I tell no lies, it was in the very town my dad requested. We weren't going to fill dad's request; it just so happens, God did.

The owner of the trailer park is a wonderful Christian guy (met the man myself), who agreed to let my dad work for him, doing all the things my dad loves doing, & dad's rent would be altered to compensate for the work he did on the property. It was a win/win situation. Answered prayer.

I made the decision to talk to my father via the phone no more than once a month. Many reasons play into factor, but trust me, once a month is ample. I noticed my dad began leaving messages on my cell phone more often, & each time he was more intoxicated & he began badmouthing his landlord, I'll call 'J'. My dad is a pathological & habitual liar, & he's dillusional. All due to years of alcohol abuse. What that means is that when speaking with my father, you take everything with a grain of salt - flowing in one ear & out the other. 98% of what he speaks is the complete opposite of the truth. It's been that way for probably over 15 years. So I knew the nastiness he was divulging about J wasn't the slightest bit true. We all have come to the conclusion that my dad is not happy unless he is living in turmoil. It's crazy.

Recently when I've spoken w/ my dad, he's almost always drunk. I can barely make out anything he is saying. But I made out enough to know that the 'relationship' between himself & J was quickly deteriorating. Dad would continue to tell me he is living in a shack (how sweet is that, I found the place, I paid for the place, dad was homeless - yet he has the audacity to call a clean, spacious travel trailer, that has electricity, a kitchen, a toilet & a shower & a bedroom a "shack" to his daughter who so graciously spent her time & money securing his new home for him!) & then he would immediately trapse into deep, mean, cruel comments regarding J. Divulging information he would have no way of knowing - basically telling & spreading lies about a terrific guy who was helping my dad out.

One night last week my dad left me a message. Drunker than a skunk. I phoned my brother to see if dad had phoned him. My brother still has no contact with my dad, but occasionally dad will call him. My brother said no, dad didn't phone, but J did. Bingo. I now knew it was *on*.

I called my step-mother & spoke with her. She didn't know much, as she too is now isolating herself from my father yet again, because of his drinking and/or craziness. She did know, however, that J fired dad & informed dad he could leave (move out) at any time. And of course the J's actions are and were completely justified.

Sunday my dad phoned me unexpectedly - too bad for him, I had been up all the night before thinking of his situation & how yet again he has blown it - when I picked up the phone. I'm telling you - I blew him away. At this point with my dad, I hold nothing back. What in the crap do I have to lose? Someone needs to tell this man to grow up & stop acting like a 14 year old. And that's exactly what I did. I told him he has to cause trouble everywhere he goes & he just can't shut up & live a happy life. I told him anything & everything about J was none of his stinkin' business. I told him he is the most ungrateful person I have ever known. He hung up on me. :)

Monday (yesterday) I spoke with J in depth. He is such a nice, nice guy. I am embarrassed & ashamed of myself that I have put him (J) in this situation. But I did. So I will do what I can to help him. After all my dad has put him thru for the last 3 months, J wanted to say nothing negative about my dad. I explained to him that it was ok - I've been thru this for 30 years now & we all already know all there is to know. Still hesitant, he told me my dad is falling daily & he is very concerned about my dad's safety/health. He also is concerned that my dad takes tons of medications daily & is mixing those meds with alcohol. And he is concerned that my dad is driving drunk. He then went on to tell me that when my dad was collecting rent money, he was keeping it for himself. And then because my dad is very angry with him, dad is leaving very belligerent phone messages (received 100s of these myself) on J's phone. So much that J has saved them all & he can't even take his phone in the house at night. And then of course he told me that dad has got all J's other tenants mad at him so..."it's just not working out & he needs to find somewhere else to live". The thing came as a shock to me, is that J is still willing to help my dad. He told me where we can purchase that very same trailer for an inexpensive amount of money & he informed me of some locations we could put it. Or, he said he would be willing to box up my dad's personal belongings & rent him a motel room & put his belongings in the room for him. Such a wonderful, thoughtful person whose name has been drug thru the mud, thanks to my selfish, ungrateful, drunk father. And now my selfish, ungrateful, drunk father, again, has no where to live.

I phoned my step-mother & my brother & both of them told me they ain't helping. I don't blame them. I understand. I'm not angry with them in the slightest. But here's this wonderful guy who was nice enough to help my dad, so I feel obligated to do what I can to help him. Which isn't much. But I could try.

My dad phoned me last night to tell me Happy Birthday & I told him we needed to talk. He immediately got angry, very defensive, told me he is not moving, no one can make him, & he was not going to discuss anything. He hung up on me & that was the end of that. I took a deep, heavy sigh.

I sat outside peeking in, at my family all around the dinner table, eating the birthday dinner my husband so graciously brought home for my birthday. I wasn't at the table. At that very moment, it's almost as if someone threw a brick at me & hit me in the head.

What am I doing???

When I talked to my dad on the phone on Sunday, even though I went outside, my children heard bits & pieces. That infuriates me. Yesterday. My birthday. Not really a big deal to me, but it is to my children. Children are children. And they sat & ate my dinner, while I was outside on the phone. My poor babies who don't understand why I was outside on the phone while they ate my birthday dinner.

You all that have followed me have heard me say this 100 times. I had to live a childhood with alcoholism. My children do not. I had no choice. But, it is up to me, their mother, to protect them & keep them from witnessing such sad, selfish & self-destructive behavior. They don't need to see me upset. My time will no longer be taken away from them while I sit on the phone. My time will no longer be spent on this solutionless situation. I am so thankful that I am fully aware & that I can see my dad's alcoholism is starting to creep into my family life. Because I won't tolerate it any further.

I will phone J back in a few minutes & tell him I attempted to talk with my dad. I will then tell him to do whatever he sees fit to get my dad off his property, but I'll recommend he get the sheriff to help and/or witness. My dad won't go willingly. More than likely, my dad will get physical & destructive.

I don't know when or how this nightmare will end. But someday it will. My dad will pass away, & it won't be good. He will either die a slow, suffering death like the incident that almost claimed his life in Oct. '06, and/or he will die in a car accident, all the while we pray he kills no innocent people as he drives around drunk. Or heck, he could fall hard enough to hit his head just right. However it happens, we are all already prepared. And as sad as it is, & I know you can't begin to understand why or how I could possibly say this - that day can't come soon enough.

I don't know how to cope anymore. Everyone says "just let it go, there is nothing you can do." But now I know my dad is homeless again. In 100+ degree Texas summer heat. How can a person let it go?

Here's my decision. This is where I must again grab onto faith, pray like the dickens, take control of my life & my happiness, & let go. Wish me luck.