Monday, March 14, 2011

Happy Anniversary.

It's been 2 years since that unnecessary, disappointing day (3.16.09), 2 years since I have seen my father. Below is a repost from 3.17.09.


Reality = devastation.

History of my father is this - severe (that word is not strong enough but it's all I can think of) alcoholic. 'Alive dead' in 2006. God healed him. All family & friends of his he has alienated. Been in jail 3 times (2 recent times were 6 weeks each - & he was in the big place - Tarrant County jail - a place no one wants to be). After jail, he could not return to his home because his wife has a restraining order against him. Because he is alone, he had no where to go. Recently we found out he has been living out his car. This time I think he had been homeless for approximately 5 or 6 days.

My brother, who has a very strained relationship w/ my dad (because my father becomes mean, cruel & belligerent when drinking) & I finally decided to do what we could to help. Again, only because the vision of our father being homeless was more than our hearts could bear. Sure, it's all his fault, the bad decision after bad decision - nonetheless, he's our father & nothing he does will change that. Financially, we are all in distress. But we got it together, for dad.

My brother lives out in the country in a small town, next to a popular larger city. I was able to locate the newspaper via the internet & found the most perfect place for rent, for my dad. Lots of phone calls later I was able to secure his new home. A very strong Christian guy owns the place & everything fell into place more perfect than I ever could have dreamed. Monday I drove down (thank God I didn't have the kids - at first, hubby & all of us were going to go), hooked up w/ my dad, my brother's wife & off we went. Let me state my dad's health is extremely poor (due to drinking). When I first saw my dad, which was the first time in over a year, my thought was "I'm not so sure he can live alone". But off we went anyway. We put him in a small town outside of my brother's small town. LOL Out in the country, to say the least.

The stipulation to help my dad was this - plain & simple - we yet again would help him, with the understanding if he took so much as ONE drink, my brother & I were done. And next time, well, there wouldn't be a next time. This lifestyle w/ my father is beginning to takes it's toll on my brother, as well as myself. My brother laid it on the line. No BS. The drinking stops, or next time he'll stay homeless. My dad agreed.

When I first met up with my father, he had not been drinking (he has hardly any money - so he couldn't afford any). I was thrilled & hopeful. It took about 20 minutes to reach his new home. After we arrived, I got out of my car to tell him something & when he answered me, Vodka hit me in the face. I don't have to 'hunt' for it - I was raised with it. My nose is trained (isn't that pathetic?). There was no doubt. I didn't want to jump to conclusions, so I let it go & tried to convince myself "no way". He wouldn't! My brother made it clear. He gave his son his word. Surely not. Not this time.

My sister-in-law, "C" & I had gathered lots of staples he needed to get started. Sheets, blankets, towels, washcloths, soap, a little food, utensils, etc. "C" got him settled as I drove all the way back to the big town to retrieve...$432 cash. His deposit & prorate until April. When I returned, "C" commented that my dad kept telling her she'd "better go now". "C" knew not to leave until I got back so she fiddled around until I arrived. She stated to me that she could smell alcohol & that my brother (he was out on a job & couldn't be with us) was going to be devastated. She also stated she found a small, empty vodka bottle under his front seat of his car (he has always stashed his bottles there) & she's pretty sure she caught him quickly stuffing one into his suitcase. I didn't know what to do - so we just kept chatting with him, doing this & that, all the while he kept telling us to go. Finally, we did. "C" & I stood outside my dad's trailer chatting for bit before leaving. He didn't know we were there. We saw him come out of his trailer & sit in a chair. I thought nothing of it. We told him goodbye & off we went.

"C" went home (my dad now lives about 6 minutes beyond them) & I pulled into a little donut store in "C"'s town to return some missed calls to hubby. I was out of my car talking when I thought I saw my dad's car zoom by. This is out in the country, so there ain't a lot of cars & my dad's car is a little unique (like a bright red fire engine). At that time, "C" beeped in so I switched over to her call, & told her I thought my dad just drove by. I told her I was going to find out, so I got in my car, gassed it & caught up. Oh yeah, it was him. And I knew exactly where he was going.

I finagled around enough so he never saw me. He was at a drive thru window - right as the clerk was about to hand TWO big jugs of Vodka out the window, I got out of my car, ran as fast as I could, & stood between him & the clerk at the window. Busted. He started his typical crap "oh those aren't mine, I'm here for soda pops", blah, blah, blah. People were lined up behind my dad & I stood there & made a scene. I was screaming & yelling, grabbing the vodka (as the clerk kept grabbing it was hysterical, I think he thought I was going to steal it). My anger went something like this "What the hell are you doing???? I just spent $432 that I don't have to find you a place to live!!!!! You were homeless!!!!! You've been living out of your damn car!!!!! How can you do this??????? What the hell is wrong with you?????? I haven't been gone 5 minutes!!!!!" I was shaking uncontrollably & my dad sped off, leaving me standing there. I offered my apologies to everyone who witnessed, explaining the situation. The nice clerk told me "honey, if he doesn't buy it from me, he's going to get it somewhere else". Yeah, no kidding, sir. I've been doing this a long time. I had the guy confirm that my dad did indeed ask for the Vodka, & he said yes. I asked him how much he was buying (I don't buy alcohol, so I didn't know the amount other than the 'jugs' were large). He said each jug was 1/2 gallon. My dad was buying two.

I drove around looking for my dad but couldn't find him. I phoned hubby & told him I was going back out to his trailer & take back everything I had taken him. Hubby told me to do what I thought I should. I mean really, if he has enough money for Vodka (they were $10 each, btw), he could buy his own damn crap. As I drove the quiet drive, I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I figured he wasn't there but when I pulled up, he was getting out of his car. Calmly, I confronted him again.

"I was not buying that stuff." "Stop with all the lies!" I said. It went on & on. It was a calm conversation. I begged him two times to please take a shower, I would wait, & take him to the hospital to get him some help. He refused. I told him I spent money that I/we didn't have, to come to his rescue again. And I can't believe he did that. I told him he would never see me again & his response was "bye" (he's a totally sarcastic smarta$$ when he chooses to be). As I walked off, I opened his car door & felt under his seat for the empty bottle. It wasn't there. I said "you're good". I left.

I drove to "C"'s & talked w/ her for a while & then headed out for my 1 1/2 hour drive home. I didn't get home until 7:30 p.m.

This morning he called. I answered. He apologized (numerous times) & said he was embarrassed & ashamed. I told him he should be. He said he's trying to phone my brother. I informed him not to do that. I told him he's devastated & hurt. I again told him not to contact me until he would like my assistance getting him into a treatment facility. He told me the drinking is done - he just wanted a drink to relax (which I knew - I even told hubby that) - he was wrong & it wouldn't happen again. I informed him he's dying again (& trust me, he is) & that the Vodka is killing him. And he's taking us with him. He said he didn't want to do that - at that point I ended the conversation.

The worst part is (other than the drinking) is that my dad does feel bad. I knew it yesterday. I can see it written all over his face. He does have a conscious but honest to pete, he can't control his cravings. It's been over 50 years of hard liquor. It controls him. It rules his life & I know he fights it. But he can't win it. I can't use his disease as an excuse anymore, though.

This is one prayer God is not going to answer. I don't know why. I'm not mad at God because I don't question His judgement. But I don't understand it. What I do know is I love my dad. And nothing he will ever do will change that.


Previously, there was a paragraph here that I had written. But for the life of me, I could not get into words what I was trying to convey. So, I deleted it. I have learned many lessons during my dad's unnecessary, sad journey & I'll share one:

There is one person & one person only who is responsible for your life & your behavior. You. Life is short. Live! ♥


Melissa :) said...

Mom2HeathandKynzer said...
I am so sorry you are going thru this Melissa. I don't have any answers but I do have prayers.

3/17/09 12:13 PM

Melissa :) said...

threadbiz said...
Melissa I can only imagine how difficult this is for you and Craig. He is sick and has a demon over him called alcoholism!! It is not that God will not answer your prayer but the thing is your Dad has to want this. I am sure it is a battle he prefer not to fight and giving in to the drink to relieve him is so much easier for him at the point. I beleive the Lord can heal him from this disease but he needs to ask for it...he needs to want the change and that first step would be allowing you to take him for treatment. If he is not willing there is nothing more you can do. Loving him is a given and that is all you have to offer. Just keep telling him that you love him. I am sure he understands why you cannot continue to support him and his habit and I am sure he has tremendous guilt over it. It is sad and I so hate it for him and you. He has to seek the peace and healing though.
I will continue to pray for you all and pray that the Lord will intervene and pull at your Dads heart to want to seek treatment. It would only take one step...that I believe the Lord can help you with. Claim today, March 17, 2009, that your father will receive treatment and healing and that he will take that first step. Not that it will happen today but that today you claim it and believe it. Then starting tomorrow and from here on out you THANK GOD for his healing!! You only have to ask the Lord one time~one prayer~for one thing...then you have to truly have the faith to believe what you are asking for in His name and thank Him for it!!! That is where your Faith and belief in what the Lord can do will factor in this.
My favorite scripture comes from Mark 11:22-24
"Have faith in God. I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, Go fall into the sea. And if you have no doubts in your mind and believe what you say will happen, God will do it for you. So I tell you to believe that you have received the things you ask for in prayer, and God will give them to you."
Jeremiah 32:27 tells us:
"Behold I am the anything too difficult for me?"

I love you and pray for your peace in this Melissa. I can sense your hurting heart from many years of pain.
I hope this encourages you and is not an irritating comment (ya know I dont want to seem anything other than encouraging ie: the story I shared with you about my good friend Beth) lol

Melissa :) said...

Melissa said...
Oh Melissa, I am so sorry you are going through this. Alscoholism is a horrible thing. It robbed me of a relationship with my bio dad. He's in Fla somewhere and probably still drinking :( I say stand on wht Lynn has suggested. Pray and then believe that the healing is coming.

3/17/09 2:15 PM

Melissa :) said...

jessica said...
It breaks my hear that you are going through this. I will keep this in my prayers for you all.

3/17/09 3:01 PM

Melissa :) said...

Anonymous said...
Oh Melissa....I am so sorry. I want to hug you and tell you I've been there, but that doesn't make it any better. I tried for so many years to fix my dad......It ate me up inside....because you are right, he will always be your dad and you cannot help but have those feelings inside of you.
As others have said, alcoholism is what you are up against, not your father. It is a battle YOU cannot win, and neither can you dad until he gets help. We do serve a big God, but maybe this is what God has to let happen in order for him to see......
Please know that I am here for you ANY time you need. Although my dad is no longer with us, I STILL remember the pain from all the lies and dissappointments. We just kept giving him chance after chance to "prove" he loved us more than the drink. And the sad thing is, I KNOW he loved us more, it just had such control over him. I pray you will find healing, your father will find healing, and that you can mend the rift between ya'll.
Love ya

3/17/09 3:37 PM

Melissa :) said...

Bridget said...
I am so sorry that you have had to deal with this and I think you're amazing! I'm so glad that you have your brother and sister in law to help shoulder some of this with you! I will keep you in my prayers!

3/17/09 4:29 P

Melissa :) said...

Us said...
This one is going on my prayer list for sure! While I don't know the exact words to say, I do know and YOU know too that God is with you and him...he never leaves. He just allows us to make the decsion to listen to him. Your amazing! Thank you for sharing....I haven't been that engaged in a long time!

3/18/09 12:21 AM

Melissa :) said...

Christine said...
I'm so sorry that you are hurting like this...but I have to tell you I am so touched by the love you can express for your dad. Although we've never met, I remember a time that you could hardly talk about your dad let alone express your love for him. God is at work in your heart, in your life and in your dad's life. I know you know that...just thought I'd say it again.

3/18/09 6:38 AM

Melissa :) said...

amanda said...
Melissa...i can't even begin to imagine how hard it is to watch your dad do this to himself. I'm sorry you've been so hurt over and over. I hope he realizes how sick he is and reaches out for help...

3/18/09 2:33 PM

Melissa :) said...

Family "Q" said...
"This is one prayer God is NOT going to answer. I don't know why. I'm not mad at God because I don't question His judgement. But I don't understand it. What I do know is I love my dad. And nothing he will ever do will change that."

That is probably the most true statement I have EVER read! I completely understand how difficult it is to literally lose someone to alcohol... unfortunately, until he is STRONG enough to give it up...he will continue until he is dead.

I feel sorry for him...until he changes, he will never know how much it hurts you and your brother.

You guys are ALL in my prayers (allll the way over here in AZ)

3/19/09 8:53 PM

Launa said...

Oh hon, I am so, so sorry. I can't imagine the hurt of loosing someone to alcohol. I do know God has a plan for all of our lives and I know sometimes we may never understand what that is but I hope that you do find out and maybe you'll have closure in whatever form that may come.
Hugs and prayers coming to you tonight!

Melissa A. said...

I am sending your ((hugs)) My grandfather was an alcoholic. I spent a good portion of my life being abused by an alcoholic. I am sorry that you had to, and continue to go through, that pain.

I tried for years to fix the Alcoholics in my life. It never got me anywhere other then screamed at or beat. My grandfather passed away 6 years ago now. He missed a lot of my adolescent years because of his drinking. I missed a lot of time with my grandfather because of this disease.

Sending you ((hugs)) :)